we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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