I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
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So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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