I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm way too hungover for life right now
and you fell through a lawn chair
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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