She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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