i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
