Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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