That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
