Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
