one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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