Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
