Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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