My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
