Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
