and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
