fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
