I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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