My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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