I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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