Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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