She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
