I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
