As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
