I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
