would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
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I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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