You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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