Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
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she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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