I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
