She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
