Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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