MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
