Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
