Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I smell stomach acid.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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