Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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