If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
