what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
People in love make me want to vomit
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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