So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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