Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
