I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
