don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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