think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
