i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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