Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me