So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?