the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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