I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
