You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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