Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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