i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
