normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
