Where is the hickey?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
