Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
