for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
