she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
