put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
