I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
