I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
