I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
