he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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